i am not sure what to type or even if i should.  i know that i want to pour out the mess inside of me in hopes that as i try to express myself things will begin to make sense.  Sometimes i am so aware of my junk.  i get how everyone could walk away.  i myself want to walk away.  Then i look at you and realize that you are junk too.  The same weaknesses inside of me live also inside of you.  i don't say that to judge but only to realize that sometimes it's easy for me to see the log in my own eye and miss yours entirely.  i in some ways write this with one audience in mind.  In other ways it is for everyone.  i guess and wonder how you will interpret my every move.  Did you take what i said wrong, did this offend you, are they giving me grace b/c i can sometimes do and say the wrong thing. 

Do you?  Do you love me and desire to be around me even though i am fare too human?  Oh, it's easy to love the lovable.  What will you do with my unlovely?  Will you see the worth in me even when i don't show it?  i think that is what need most in Him.  i think that is why the sinner can love Him.  Jesus sees the rags i cloth myself in and yet He desires me.  He knows what i have done and what i am capable of and yet He wants me to represent Him... Nothing in all Christianity captures me like this...He sees what no one sees and yet He love me like no one else can. He see's what no one see's.

If i know myself at all then it's safe to say i will still worry over how you read me.  I will still question how people interpret my every move.  If only they could know my heart.  Then they would see the good i would so desperately want to express but then they would also see the ugly i am far too familiar with. 

you are beautiful....

you make me want to be beautiful...

I love that about you...

she smiles b/c the future doesn't seem so bad.  He will finish the work He started. 

the last post i wrote i was not referring to the church.  I was talking about my own spiritual condition.  Those who read this may have knew that already but i just wanted to clear that up ;o)

I just want to vomit!!!

I was on my way home from church Sunday and while i was praying i couldn't help but tell God "i just want to vomit"  I was sitting in church and i felt so distant.  I wanted to play along with everyone's joy but i couldn't.  I am as a friend put it "a soldier in the trenches".  So on my ride home i found myself saying to God "i just want to vomit"  I wasn't talking in the natural b/c i felt fine.  I just wanted to vomit spiritually. 

Wednesday night after church on the way home that same thought came to my mind.  I just want to vomit spiritually. 

Tonight i looked up why we vomit.  I should have checked out several sources but i am lazy.  So this one made sense to me.

"Why Do We Experience Nausea and Vomiting?

Nausea and vomiting, unpleasant as they are, serve important purposes. They protect us from ingesting toxic substances, an evolutionary advantage. Our senses of sight, smell, and taste can serve to protect us from eating substances that might be bad for us. A useful rule of thumb is that if something looks gross or smells or tastes awful, it probably is. Unfortunately, looks, smell, and taste can sometimes be deceiving, so we may still eat something poisonous. If ingested, a toxic substance may irritate the stomach or intestine, stimulate special chemoreceptors, and cause vomiting, thus limiting absorption of the poison, but even this is not adequate protection. Some toxins may get through these safeguards. The brain has a variety of receptors that test for potential toxins. Stimulation of these receptors triggers nausea and vomiting, preferably in time to limit further ingestion of poison. Memory also serves as a protective mechanism. If eating something made you sick before, it probably will do so again. The memory of nausea and vomiting associated with that substance would itself be a potent stimulus for nausea, overcoming hunger. In this sense nausea and vomiting helped our species survive over millennia."

I guess that answers why i want to vomit spiritually...

 I am going to the Honor Academy in August ;) I found out last week.  This is pretty crazy.  It seems as one of my friends told me that "God has brought me full circle".  I was suppose to go to the Honor Academy back in 2004 but i didn't go for very lame reasons.  I would really be thankful for your prayers.  I really want to be faithful to the opportunities God is giving me.  He seems like He is asking me to do some things right now that are above me.  The spiritual side of me is really excited about this because it places me in a position to see God faithfulness and reality.  The more common side of me however  wants to play it safe and do what i am familiar with.  I really want the spiritual side to win.  I know what path capture my heart.  i just need to be willing to walk down that path even if every step has to be a step of faith.  It's funny because i have prayed for  a life of faith and now God seems to be giving me the opportunity to walk in it.  Somehow it seemed more romantic in my prayers and less stressful.  I guess when i look back on this it will one again be romantic....